Do I Have to Be a Grownup?

I am almost 30. Yikes, the thought of that still kind of gets me sad. But that’s okay; I’m working through it, trying to convince myself “the best is yet to come!”

But technically in all aspects of life I am considered an adult. I am married. I have kids. I own a home. I pay my own bills. I am an adult. And sometimes I really feel like I’ve got it all figured out. I feel like I can do this thing called life. I sometimes get a little big headed about it too, like yah world, you should be jealous, I have got this in the bag!

That is until reality knocks you back down. Quick.

Today I woke up with a sore throat. Immediately I call Jamey and cry (I always cry, so this isn’t abnormal for him to answer the phone to a crying wife.) I tell him I think I might be dying. When in reality, it is just a sinus headache and probably some drainage causing my throat to hurt a little – just not how I wanted to start my day.

But somehow I managed to peel myself out of my own misery and continue on with the insane life I lead. At some point this afternoon, as Brystol and I sat down at her dance class, my dear friend pointed out the smear of baby food I had on my jeans. I knew it was there; was just hoping no one would notice. But she definitely did.

When we got home from dance, we pulled up to a street full of our neighborhood friends out playing, so we immediately joined the fun. Well the kids had fun. I am constantly reminding them to not run into the street, to remember to share, and to not throw things over the fence. But they have fun, and as a bonus they burn some much needed energy before dinner. Eventually we as moms decide to all tell the kids together we have to go in for dinner. It makes it easier when it’s a group decision!

 

 

As for dinner, I am no chef, but I can follow a recipe. So as I am trying to quickly throw dinner together the doorbell rings. I rush to the door to find our sweet neighbors with a plate full of brownies! I love chocolate – it’s the way to my heart. So as I am trying to be as gracious as I can be, Bryn is screaming in her high chair because she ran out of puffs, and Bryson is screaming “help” from the backyard. I try to continue on like I can’t hear the chaos behind me. Then the dogs get out. Not just my dog, but our friend’s dog that we are watching, also. I will not be responsible for losing someone else’s dog. No way.

My neighbor saw the panic on my face and asked if I needed to go. I scooped up the baby, grabbed Bryson off of the top of the playhouse where he was stuck (you would think he would learn by now that he can’t get down from there,) and told the kids I needed help to get the dogs. We all start running down the street – me in my house shoes with a baby on my hip, Bryson shirtless, and Brystol barefoot. We were quite a show. It was a neighborhood effort but we eventually got the dogs back safe and sound. The neighbor quickly excused himself and we went on with making dinner.

I feel like once we sit down for dinner my marathon of a day is almost over. Dinnertime is my favorite. The kids can set the table, get their own milk, and say the prayers by themselves. We talk about our favorite part of our day, and our least favorite part. We share lots of laughter around our little kitchen table. I hope the stories we share at the dinner table are the memories the kids have of their childhood; not all the chaos of the day that leads up to dinner.


I am still working on this adult thing. Maybe one day I will get it, but for now, I spend most of my day feeling like a child trying to raise children. Maybe one day I will get to wear clean clothes and make gourmet dinners, but that time is definitely not right now.
  

Twenty-Nine Never Felt So Good!

29. I remember what I thought my life would be like when I was “this old!” I was young but I thought I had it figured out! I was in my first year of college, ready to take on the world. I wanted to be a fashion designer. Or a writer. I wasn’t sure which one. Maybe even a combination of the two. I thought once I graduated college I would move myself to New York and pursue my dreams. I remember wanting to live in a fancy little apartment with a cute dog and tons of fabulous clothes. It seemed so simple. That was until I realized that was my plan, but God had a completely different one ready for me.

Before I went off to school, when I was just 18, I met Jamey. When I left for Lubbock he and I were still dating but I had no idea it would turn into something so serious. It didn’t take long for both of us to realize this was something real. Something really real. I only spent a year in Lubbock before I headed back home to continue my college classes. I spent most of my time between work and studying and trying to convince Jamey how amazing I was. It wasn’t long after that we were engaged (can you blame him, ha!) and at just 20 we were married.

Here we were - two 20-year- old kids who thought we had the world figured out. I continued school and work and he worked two jobs to make ends meet. Times were hard, but we never gave up on each other. About a year later we found out we were expecting our first baby. I was so scared, and Jamey, he was just down right terrified! Brody was born when I was barely 22 years old and it was truly love at first sight. I couldn’t believe how perfect he was. My life was complete. And I knew at that very moment God had such a better plan for me. I was supposed to be Brody’s mom. He will always be the true light of my life. Seeing Jamey as a dad brought out a whole new side of him and I fell in love with him even more.

Ten months later when Brody died my life was torn upside down. I was supposed to be a mom; I was supposed to be his mom. The pain I felt at that time of my life was like something I can’t explain. I remember spending days upon days just curled up in a ball. I wasn’t sure I would ever be a functioning human again. But again, Jamey and I never gave up on each other. He was my rock. And I feel like we grew closer than ever during that time. Our family and friends showed us such an outpouring of support and love, and slowly the days got a little easier. They’ll never be easy, but they get a little better each day.

A year later we were pregnant again with Bryson, and just a year after that with Brystol. Jamey still worked two jobs and I was a young working mom of two babies. Life was far from glamourous. In fact, life was insane. I don’t think I slept for 3 years! Who am I kidding? I still don’t sleep. (One day – maybe!) Days were long and nights were longer. But we were so happy. Always. And we always had each other. And we always had our family. The saying “it takes a village” couldn’t be more fitting!

And now we are an even bigger family with Brynlee as the final puzzle piece to our crazy life. We just moved into our little dream home and Jamey no longer has to work two jobs to make ends meet. It feels good. It feels just right. We are a busy family of lots of little ones. Days are filled with cleaning up after kids, sports, dance, and lots of love. Of course I still love fashion. I love clothes, and I love to write. And while I may not get to live in New York, I think Texas is just about perfect for a girl like me. I will count this little blog of mine as my writing. And I will count doing an obscene amount of laundry in my really cute clothes as close to the fashion world as I will get. And that’s okay with me.

 

29 is going to be great. I can feel it!

Snowfall!

So today as I sit here watching the snowfall, I can’t help but remember how fun snow days were when I was little. I remember hoping for snow, or ice rather, so that I could miss school. As a child, and even as a teen, I wasn’t worried about roads or safety; I just wanted to have a day off school! I have always been more of an indoor girl, so I never have had a desire to play in the snow. I just wanted school to get dismissed so I could be with my friends. I would much rather watch out the window. It is so warm and cozy. Maybe even a nice cup of hot chocolate and your favorite TV show!

But then you have kids and snow days are so different. I actually dread them. I don’t think it’s pretty, I don’t think it’s fun, I just want it GONE! I know it sounds horrible, and even as I type I feel a little bad letting my true feelings out. But if I am being honest, I am not a great driver when the roads are normal. So then you add ice and snow and I’m a disaster. I am sure Jamey, although he would never say it, cringes at the thought of me driving our kids around on slick roads. I am that girl who does all the wrong things when I hit patches of ice. You would think as a daughter of a car guy I would be a little better than that, but I am most definitely not. (I bet my parents just learned something they didn’t want to know about me with that confession. Lol.)

And remember how I mentioned I am more of an indoor girl? Being the daughter of a self-proclaimed “beach bum,” you would think that would also not be the case. I could spend every day, all day, without even setting foot outdoors. But I have kids so that is never an option. We are outside in the hot sun, we are outside in the rain, we are outside in the cold, and they don’t seem to care. They just want to be outside. 

Funny how that worked out. But all Bryson and Brystol can seem to think about is when their next few hours playing outside will be. So this week has been averaging about 30 degrees and we have been out. A lot. I have tried my best to bundle them up as best as I can, but I feel like there aren’t ever enough clothes to keep them warm enough out there.

We are in the process of moving, yes moving, again. (That will be another blog post someday.) But we have been in between houses for a couple of weeks and are staying with my mom and stepdad. Poor them, I know. But it was 75 degrees when we packed to stay with them for two weeks. So, as you can imagine, I didn’t think about gloves, hats, warm jackets. Those are in storage. And I don’t mean where I can get to them. Oh no, they are in a random unlabeled box thrown about in one of the two storage units we have. There is no finding them. On Sunday I decided to try Walmart and Target to find an inexpensive jacket for each of them. But we live in Texas. There are swimsuits out, not a jacket in sight!

So for about a week I have been sending them outside with three sweat jackets on each. Brystol has been wearing my mom’s gloves and hat. And somehow Bryson found his gloves and hat in my car. Yes, my car. I know, how do you not know something like that is in there? Well I have the messiest child on the planet who feels like the 3^rd row of our car is his own personal campsite. I don’t even go back there. I don’t even want to know what is back there. I’m just waiting for one of neighbors to come out and explain to me how my small children shouldn’t be outside without proper clothing. But let’s face it, the kids don’t even feel it. I asked them Monday if they were cold and they both said no. Bryson gets annoyed when I just mention putting on a jacket. Yesterday he refused his gloves and within minutes his hands were so red, but he still insisted he didn’t need gloves. Later when it was time to come in, he was very irritated that as his mom I didn’t “make him” put them on. That child – darned if I do, darned if I don’t. One day I will learn how to properly parent him, but at this point, it’s a crap shoot!

This “beautiful” snow is also hindering our move this weekend. We have been at that super stressful part of buying a house where the lender and mortgage company have asked for every document we could ever have. Every statement, every letter, and every dollar we can come up with. It has been very exhausting, especially being a mom of three little ones who don’t exactly leave me much time to sit at a computer. But today, Friday, is finally the day we are set to close. The U-Haul is ready, our wonderful friends are ready, cable and internet are being turned on, and electricity has already been turned on. Then it snows. Not “kind of” snows. Like really snows. Like schools being let out early, appointments cancelling, jobs closing early kind of snow. ON THE WEEKEND WE ARE MOVING.

I don’t know about your husbands, but mine is one of the most stubborn men I know. (In a good way, babe, I promise.) And he was insistent that it would be fine. That was until the cable people called to cancel and U-Haul isn’t renting trucks in this weather. Not much a stubborn guy can argue with there. So on what was supposed to be such an exciting day for us, as we are all so anxious to get into our new beautiful home, instead we are watching the snowfall from Nana and Pappaw’s house. Thankfully, they have opened their home to us and have been so wonderfully accommodating to our not so little, or quiet, family. So as we put off moving for another day or two, I can’t help but dislike this weather even more. And I am sure, though they would never say it, they are ready to have their quiet home back to themselves! 

But all our kids see is beautiful white fluffy snow. They see God’s wonderful creation with such a childlike innocence. So for today, and maybe again tomorrow, I am going to suck it up. I am going to bundle up my littles as best I can and watch them enjoy the snow. They will never know how much mommy hates it outside. They will never know I was envisioning this wonderful first weekend in our new home. Because that is what we as parents are supposed to do, protect their innocence. And can’t we all learn a little something from our children? 

Mother of 4

I am new to this blogging thing and I actually have no idea what I am doing, so bear with me. But I do love to write. It is my passion, it brings me joy and serves as such a release for me. But as a mom, a mom of young kids there is no time to write. And when I say I have no time, I mean it. There is no exaggerating the amount of chaos that occurs in my day. Yesterday I was on my 6^th load of laundry and I just started to cry. For no reason. Or maybe there was a reason, but I didn't have time to actually figure it out because my main role at home is a referee.

So my plan for this blog is to write as often as I can. Which may be daily, may have to be weekly, and it may never happen after this one blog. But I am going to try. Because I am already feeling my stress level decrease.

Let me start with the basics. I have 3 kids at home, but I am a mom of 4. That’s a hard topic for me to explain. My sweet Brody was 10 months old when he tragically died in a choking accident. He was my first born. He was the sweetest soul, he truly brought joy to everyone he met. Especially to his mom and dad. We were a family, a very happy family. The day Brody died was the absolute worst day of my life. A day that 6 years later I can remember every single detail of. But it is not the day I try to remember in my head, it is the 10 months of pure joy he brought to me. He made me a mom, he showed me how true love really was. And he showed me how much I truly loved his dad. And I will always be a mom of 4. Not 3.

Bryson just turned 5. What a monumental birthday for him. He was so excited to show us how fast he is now that he is 5. How tall he is now that he is 5. How good his ninja skills are now that he is 5. He is the most rambunctious child I have ever met. He requires my constant attention. It is like a mad house when he is around. There is never a moment where he is still. He eats like a grown man. Insists on wrestling constantly. He has mad fit throwing skills, I have never seen anything like it. He loves his dad more than life, they are two peas in a pod. But amidst all that chaos, he has such a tender heart. He is so sensitive, and so loving. And did I mention that he is really funny?  He is the definition of a boy and gives me a run for my money every day.

Brystol is 3, but will turn 4 next month. And whew, these little toddlers should come with a warning label. She thinks she is 16. She told me the other day, “all I hear coming out of your mouth is blah blah blah!” Brystol is beautiful. Brystol is dramatic, she is sassy, and she is the girliest girl I have ever met. She can fit into any crowd, always so easy going (in public). She loves dance. And when I say loves dance, I mean she wakes up every day asking if it is “dance day!” Brystol is the best big sister, always helping with the baby. And she literally lets Bryson antagonize her all day, every day. And she just goes with it! She has no idea how easy she makes my life, and for that and so many more reasons, we adore her.

Brynlee is 6 months old. Aww my baby. It is so different when you know that it’s your last baby. Every stage she goes through makes me so much more emotional than the last. When she first smiled, cooed, laughed. And now she is sitting up all by herself, and eating baby food! It is all happening so fast!! Bryn is what I call her. The kids call her “Brynny!” She has a smile that will light up a room. She is constantly entertained by her crazy brother and sister. And man, does she love her momma! Everything Bryn does reminds me of Brody. She has all of his mannerisms and his sweet soul. It is funny how God works that out. Right when we needed it most.

So those are the reasons in a nutshell I spend most of my days so exhausted to even think straight. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love staying at home with the kids. It isn’t something that I have always had the opportunity to do. I have always worked up until I had Bryn. So this stay at home thing is new to me. I am still learning all the tricks to keeping my sanity. And still learning all the inexpensive play dates around town!

I feel like sometimes when Jamey gets home I am literally throwing kids at him. But I haven’t ever heard him complain about it. Ever. He is truly the hardest working man I know. He sometimes comes home to all 4 of us in our pajamas. And I don’t mean new clean pajamas because we are ready for bed, I mean the night before’s pajamas. And he sometimes has to bring take out home with him. Because although I have been home all day, dinner hadn’t even crossed my mind. But again, he never complains. I am not sure how I ended up with someone who adores us like he does, but even at our worst, he still does.

I feel like I could write forever, I forgot how much I love it! But I guess I should wrap it up, in 3 hours Bryn is going to wake up ready to eat and in 7 hours I am going to have to get our family of 5 dressed and ready to go to church - where we can’t wear pajamas or skip the make-up, and I actually have to brush Brystol’s hair. So for now I shall sleep, or at least try!